(Not So) Great Expectations

One of the most appealing things about monogamy, and conversely one of the most common stumbling blocks for anyone who is transitioning from a monogamous to a polyamorous relationship, is the idea of expectations – particularly unspoken expectations that are often taken for granted.

We live in a mono-normative culture. We have very distinct scripts about what makes a successful monogamous relationship, and because everyone is raised in this culture, we can usually be pretty sure that the people we are entering monogamous relationships with understand “the rules”. It’s easy to be on auto-pilot in these types of relationships – and I admit that for much of my life I was definitely following the script – though I think I did it with a little more deliberate intent than many.

When it comes to polyamory, though, there’s no one “official” script. There are as many ways to do polyamory as there are individuals, because everyone’s brand is going to be a little bit different, based on who they are, who they’re with, who they’re with is with, etc. and on down the line.

This is where auto-pilot becomes the enemy. This is where unspoken expectations become your downfall.

When I first started on my poly journey back in January with my husband, I thought that things would stay pretty much the same between us, and we would just then be occasionally going out on dates and spending time with others. That is not what ended up happening, and I was extremely hurt and scared. I took a cavalier attitude, and I DEFINITELY would have saved myself a lot of grief if I had been more deliberate. But you don’t know what you don’t know, and I was so steeped in the expectations of marriage that I couldn’t possibly think anything would change dramatically for me! I didn’t lay down specific expectations or boundaries, and in the first few months, there were a lot of discovery moments.

Most of these discovery moments centered around things that I had come to accept as steadfast “givens”, but the reality is, they were all just a consequence of the monogamous circumstance. So while, in my husband’s mind, the only real given in our monogamous relationship was that we were not having sexual/emotional relationships with other people, I had all these other things that I thought were constants.

I’d like to say that I had a eureka! moment about this, and that I stopped having any expectations, and that my current mode is one of deliberate negotiation and that I don’t take ANYTHING for granted anymore – but Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Now, what I will say is that I’m VERY deliberate in the relationships that I begin with others. This freaks out individuals who are new to poly in particular, because many of them are still in the auto-pilot “this is how a relationship should look, and there’s no need to talk about it” stage. But I know from some rather painful experiences, now, that these “awkward” conversations need to happen early, and they need to happen often. If someone is uncomfortable or says “Let’s just see where this goes”, that throws up a pretty big red flag for me that things are likely not going to go well, and the other party is going to end up with a lot of unfulfilled expectations because they refuse to talk about them. In turn, I end up being hurt because there’s no dialogue, and therefore I can’t properly express my desires, boundaries and expectations, either.

With my husband, I am constantly having to rework how I view our relationship. I was deep in the identity of being his wife. Not in any weird subservient way, but in the way that a large part of who I was involved him. That’s all well and good in a traditional monogamous sense, because you don’t often end up in situations where that identity is challenged. But when you’re hanging out with your husband and his girlfriend one day, and you start to feel like a third wheel and you can’t quite figure out why, you start to recognize that maybe that’s not the best way to view yourself.

I’m still pretty bad about being deliberate with my husband. A lot of that has to do with the fact that we live together, and I can pretty much guarantee these days that I’m going to see him more often than not. But that’s just me getting complacent again – but the familiar pang of sadness when he makes other plans and asks me if it’s alright is not something I want to live with for the rest of my life, so I’m going to have to get to the root of my expectations and complacency.

Having been raised in this scripted culture, it’s hard not to slip back into the comfort of routine and unstated expectations. It’s so much easier to just let things keep going the way they’re going, never really thinking about the things that might upset the apple cart until they happen. But if I keep going down that path, I’m setting myself up for constant disappointment and sadness, and it’s not going to get me to a place where I’m actually happy that my husband is finding people he connects with and/or loves. I’ll be too busy focusing on the fact that we “never do anything together anymore”, and ignoring the fact that he doesn’t need as much reassurance or quality time as I do to feel loved, and so the onus is on ME to make the plans.

Have I mentioned that I’m a terrible planner?

If you’re setting out on the polyamorous journey, be prepared for a lot of long, awkward, NECESSARY conversations. Be prepared for a lot of introspective moments where you realize you’re hurt, but that no one actually did anything wrong – you were still just playing out the old script, forgetting that the damn thing has been edited to hell since your last dress rehearsal.

But seriously – NEVER stop talking and communicating and clearly stating your needs, desires and expectations. The second you stop doing that, you’ve set yourself up for a lot of unnecessary pain – and for what? To avoid conversations you don’t think you need to have? Believe me – you NEED to have them, no matter how silly you think some of them are (like negotiating chores based on whether or not someone is going out on a date, or telling your partner to stop playing Fallout 4 for a couple hours to spend some time with you because you miss them).

Not that I have any experience with that last one… *cough*