On Hierarchy: People Are Not Secondary

Early on in my poly dating, I didn’t realize it, but I naturally drifted toward a non-hierarchical model of polyamory. It wasn’t planned that way, it just made sense to me on how you treat human beings.

Others that I have met on my journey are not so great at that.

I’m sure many of the folks who read this blog are familiar with the Secondary Bill of Rights, and when I read through them the first time, I was like “well, duh… these are just common sense.”

Going back and reading through them again the other day, I realized one of the main reasons a relationship I had pretty early on didn’t work out – and it was because the guy I was dating was treating me as a secondary human being. I would *always* come second to his relationship with his primary partner. Plans were constantly being canceled because his partner’s plans had fallen through and he didn’t want them to be alone.

Looking back on my own relationships, I try not to smile in smug satisfaction that I’ve avoided most of the couple privilege pitfalls, for the most part. And not just with my own partners, but with my husband’s partners as well.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not perfect. But I’ve avoided using my position as “wife” to arbitrarily control how much time and what type of interactions my husband has with his other partners. Sure – early on I was much more cautious about what type of things I was comfortable with, but I was testing soft boundaries all the time, and allowed myself to experience scary shit because I knew it was important.

Do my opinions and suggestions and thoughts carry a lot more weight with my husband than his new partner’s opinions do? You bet your ass they do. But the same can be said of his best friend of 15 years. It’s about how well we know one another, and everything we’ve been through and experienced. The fact that I’ve known my husband longer than his new partners just means that I’m a more trusted adviser – not that I have some arbitrary position of power to dictate his personal life. And yeah, we share financial obligations and chores and mundane shit, so anything that impacts our shared resources will involve my input.

My husband HAS canceled plans with others when I’m having a particularly heinous day – but it was never at my urging, and has happened maybe once or twice. And in those situations, it was always a decision weighed BY HIM on what actually took priority in that moment – not based on the arbitrary fact that I’m “primary” and thus my needs, no matter how small, take precedent over others. Even if in some small selfish way I wanted to make him drop everything, I resisted, because couple privilege is intoxicating, and letting it seep in has a damaging impact on your partner’s ability to grow new relationships.

When entering into a relationship with someone, there are always considerations to be made.

If I were to date a single father, I would understand that the needs of his children outweigh my own. In those instances, I would tread carefully in dating them.

If I were to date someone with a demanding work schedule (like this emergency medicine resident I’ll be seeing soon), then I would understand that the demands of his job would take priority in a lot of cases, and I will tread carefully in dating him.

If I were to date someone who was the primary caregiver for their partner, or a parent, I would understand that the needs of those people who depend on him would supersede my own in many cases.

But if I’m dating someone who is in a long-term relationship, with no children, and nothing beyond the normal obligations of work and maintaining a healthy relationship with their other partner(s), it would not be my assumption that every need, whim and desire of their “primary” would automatically invalidate my own very basic needs. And if that were to be the case, then I would expect it be the responsibility of that individual to disclose that information so that I can make the best decision for myself, which is namely: run the fuck away.

I am not a pretty, shiny thing to be picked up and played with when it is convenient for you, only to be put away and forgotten about until you wander by again and remember I exist.

I should not be made to feel guilty for wanting to spend time with you.
I should not have to beg for your time.
I should not have to constantly reschedule dates because your partner’s plans fell through.
I should not feel as if my time is deemed less valuable than yours.

In turn, I will do everything in my power to make sure you *never* feel like a secondary human being, either.