I’m a certifiable nut case.
The more that goes right in my life, the more spectacularly I decide to blow it all to smithereens. It’s likely I’m incapable of accepting that good things can happen to me, whether or not I believe I’ve “earned” them or not.
I particularly cannot handle things that are going well that I do not believe I deserve or have earned.
I start to push at things. I start to pull the threads. I start to test the strength of these new found good things – and when it’s a relationship, it’s particularly heinous. I just cannot seem to accept that anyone in their right mind actually likes and/or loves me and is willingly choosing to spend their time with me when there are so many other things and people they could be out experiencing.
And so when I’m in these moods, I start to pick apart what people say. I start examining motives. I start picking up on what they’re NOT saying. I start replaying every conversation and moment spent together. I start trying to figure out why they’re spending their time doing other things instead of trying to spend every available moment with me. And it’s INSANE. And I don’t know how to stop this train once it starts rolling.
I become grumpy. I become short. I start disparaging myself to them. I start trying to get them to agree that I’m a horrible, terrible human being that they don’t want to spend time with. I BECOME a horrible, terrible human being that no one wants to spend time with, and then I can point and say HA! SEE!
WHY?! Why do I do this? Why am I always second guessing other people’s opinions of me? Is it because I know what’s going on in my head, and the mess that lurks there, and if they knew what was happening up there they certainly wouldn’t think anything remotely good about me?
Do I really need as much verbal affirmation as I think I do to feel safe and confident? How do I ask for that without coming across as a supremely insecure child?
I’ve been avoiding blogging because of several things over the past weekend. Most good, and some bad. The past 2 days have been because of this insecurity eating away at me, exacerbated by this horrid illness that has completely thrown me off at work, as well. Nobody wants to hear this garbage – this isn’t LiveJournal after all.
I had a post I wanted to write about jealousy and where it’s coming from and how I’m learning to deal with that in my new relationship, but I just couldn’t motivate myself to sit down and write it because I could already feel myself tearing at the threads of that relationship.
I’m not sure what to do, at this point. I just know that if I continue down the path that I’m on, my brain is going to burn it all to the ground and then shrug and say “See, I told you that you couldn’t handle it. This is why you’re not allowed to have nice things.”
I don’t want to burn everything to the ground again, but I can already feel my brain rooting around for the gasoline.
Gigglepig Slappyhams 