If it seems too good to be true, it probably is
– My grandmother
You learn a lot of lessons when you transition from monogamy to ethical nonmonogamy. It’s inevitable.
And as a writer/blogger thingy, there’s a temptation to make my stories wrap up into nice neat little packages, and then move on. I present the conflict, the resolution, and the moral. The End.
But the reality is: there is no end to the lesson. If you go through something rough, and you learn about your boundaries and your feelings, you might fall into the trap of thinking to yourself “Boy, I sure learned my lesson on THAT one!” and then voila, you’re More Enlightened™ and you’ll never make that same mistake again!
But you will. I certainly have.
Chances are, you’re going to make a lot of the same mistakes over and over. Because you’re human, and you’re flawed, and years of influence on how you view yourself and your relationships doesn’t just disappear after you stretch your boundaries once or twice.
As I continue to recount stories and lessons I’ve learned from my journey into ethical nonmonogamy, it’s not meant to be a testimonial about how everything is sunshine and rainbows after I learned to stop worrying and love the poly. I still have days where I lapse into old habits. I still have days where I miss how simple and easy monogamy was. I still have days where I hate everyone and myself – and honestly, I’m not sure how much of that is my depression and how much of that is the reverberations of emotional upheaval I have experienced intermittently throughout this whole change.
I’m not an expert, by any means. I’ve only been practicing ethical nonmonogamy for about 10 months now. I’m definitely in a much better place than I was, for sure. But I wouldn’t say “I’ve arrived”. And honestly – anyone who says that they never struggle or have issues owing to some indirect or direct root in poly is selling you a bill of goods. I don’t care how long they’ve been poly. When you add more people, you add more complication. That’s how it works. Just like I wouldn’t believe anyone who tells me that they eat healthy and work out every day and NEVER EVER have days where they just want to be lazy and eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup (because seriously, those things are DELICIOUS!).
Beware anyone who suggests that they know The One True Way™ to do ethical nonmonogamy, or solve conflict, or package the perfect communication style that will please every person in their polycule. Beware anyone who sets themselves up as an expert. Beware anyone who portrays themselves as the perfect protagonist in all of their stories, and in every story their partner or meta were the ones Doing It Wrong™.
I can be petty and shitty and mean. I can be hurt and angry. Most importantly: I can, and have been, WRONG.
So, dear reader, I make this promise: I will do my best to portray my moments of weakness honestly. I don’t want anyone to walk away with the impression that I haven’t been a shitty human being on several occasions. I don’t want anyone to walk away with the impression that I always fully learn my lessons. I still beat my face against some of the same obstacles I always have, and in those instances it’s because I haven’t truly accepted things The Way They Actually Are™.
Gigglepig Slappyhams 