I Lost 29 Years of Baggage in Just 10 Months! Ask Me How!

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is

                          – My grandmother

You learn a lot of lessons when you transition from monogamy to ethical nonmonogamy. It’s inevitable.

And as a writer/blogger thingy, there’s a temptation to make my stories wrap up into nice neat little packages, and then move on. I present the conflict, the resolution, and the moral. The End.

But the reality is: there is no end to the lesson. If you go through something rough, and you learn about your boundaries and your feelings, you might fall into the trap of thinking to yourself “Boy, I sure learned my lesson on THAT one!” and then voila, you’re More Enlightened™ and you’ll never make that same mistake again!

But you will. I certainly have.

Chances are, you’re going to make a lot of the same mistakes over and over. Because you’re human, and you’re flawed, and years of influence on how you view yourself and your relationships doesn’t just disappear after you stretch your boundaries once or twice.

As I continue to recount stories and lessons I’ve learned from my journey into ethical nonmonogamy, it’s not meant to be a testimonial about how everything is sunshine and rainbows after I learned to stop worrying and love the poly. I still have days where I lapse into old habits. I still have days where I miss how simple and easy monogamy was. I still have days where I hate everyone and myself – and honestly, I’m not sure how much of that is my depression and how much of that is the reverberations of emotional upheaval I have experienced intermittently throughout this whole change.

I’m not an expert, by any means. I’ve only been practicing ethical nonmonogamy for about 10 months now. I’m definitely in a much better place than I was, for sure. But I wouldn’t say “I’ve arrived”. And honestly – anyone who says that they never struggle or have issues owing to some indirect or direct root in poly is selling you a bill of goods. I don’t care how long they’ve been poly. When you add more people, you add more complication. That’s how it works. Just like I wouldn’t believe anyone who tells me that they eat healthy and work out every day and NEVER EVER have days where they just want to be lazy and eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup (because seriously, those things are DELICIOUS!).

Beware anyone who suggests that they know The One True Way™ to do ethical nonmonogamy, or solve conflict, or package the perfect communication style that will please every person in their polycule. Beware anyone who sets themselves up as an expert. Beware anyone who portrays themselves as the perfect protagonist in all of their stories, and in every story their partner or meta were the ones Doing It Wrong™.

I can be petty and shitty and mean. I can be hurt and angry. Most importantly: I can, and have been, WRONG.

So, dear reader, I make this promise: I will do my best to portray my moments of weakness honestly. I don’t want anyone to walk away with the impression that I haven’t been a shitty human being on several occasions. I don’t want anyone to walk away with the impression that I always fully learn my lessons. I still beat my face against some of the same obstacles I always have, and in those instances it’s because I haven’t truly accepted things The Way They Actually Are™.

Droppin’ (L) Bombs

So, I had a pretty fantastic Saturday; I’m not going to lie.

The biggest development to come out of Saturday was exchanging “I love you” with my boyfriend for the first time.

When he first said it (holy crap, he said it first!), I wasn’t really shocked, but it took me a moment to process. To be fair, he did warn me beforehand that what he was about to say might be scary.

But the thing is – I wasn’t scared. Which most people might think is weird, because we’ve only known each other for 3 weeks, and have only been “official” for 2 weeks.

Many people, upon hearing this, might think that this is puppy love, and pure NRE, and we’re careening down a crazy path where we don’t even know each other yet, and it’s TOO SOON, and OMG YOU GUYS ARE CRAAAAAZY!

But that’s not how this feels at all, and the only people I know of who would understand are my husband, myself and my boyfriend. I don’t feel drunk or high with love – I feel warm and safe and surrounded by it. It’s how I felt when I started dating my husband all those years ago.

I’ve been with people I was basically addicted to, and the word love never even entered the picture. And I’ve also been with people where we were happy and comfortable for a year, but the word love never entered into the picture, either. I honestly do not take the expression of being in love lightly. I love my friends, I love my family, and I’ll tell them often – but when I say I love my husband or I love my boyfriend, I mean that I am IN love with them.

Because of this, I was a bit hesitant when I first spoke the words aloud. I don’t think I ever really mentioned my general reluctance to speak those words. It’s not because I have a hard time committing, or that I don’t have love in my heart – but because those words represent a promise, and I always hesitate before making a promise for the first time.

“I love you” is a promise, in my mind, of extra consideration, cooperation, and compromise. It’s a promise that our relationship is important and strong enough to commit to working it out if things get rough. But it’s also, for me, an acknowledgement that our relationship really shouldn’t get rough, because the consideration, cooperation and compromise should prevent large issues from arising. It’s how my relationship with my husband has been ridiculously easy for so long.

I worry that my initial reluctance might register for him as me not being sure. But I’m absolutely sure that I love him, and I’m happy I made that promise to him.

And so, for the first time in my life, I am in love with two men. And they are both in love with me. And it feels amazing and also a little scary – because love brings about a special kind of vulnerability.

Totally worth it!